36" INSEAM

I must admit to being vertically challenged.

When I was four, I towered over my niece, who was a year older than me. I thought it had something to do with her being a blonde.

At age eight, I was as tall as my mother. I thought it had something to do with wearing high heels all the time (I'm not saying any of these thoughts were in any way logical).

At age twelve, I was the same height as my brother, who was five years old than me. I thought it had something to do with his long-term relationship with various chemicals.

By fourteen, I was taller than any boy in middle school. I thought it was simply because boys were so stupid.

In college, I worked at a roller-skate rink, which added four inches to my height, and learned not to be ashamed of it. (NOTE: that was also the year Randy Newman wrote the song "Short People").

Okay, Hope, is this leading to anything, like, SIGNIFICANT?!

Well, I am glad you asked that question. Because the answer is (drum roll, please) the JCPenney Spring Catalog.

Yes.

On the very first page, wide-leg jeans CA 844-5170, Misses Long, has a THIRTY-FIVE INSEAM!!

Around the world, women who are taller than 5'7", use coupon code CASVE10 before March 8th.

And no, I am not getting paid for this free advertising. Although, JCPenney, if you would like to send some bucks my way, I would not turn it away.