CONTROL IS ONLY AN ILLUSION

Hello, my name is Hope, and I am a control freak.

I have been control-free for 32 seconds.

When I was little, my mom was unable to let anyone do anything in her presence with taking over. She could not allow anyone to cook - clean - do the laundry - because they might do it wrong. She drove herself more than slightly crazy by holding down full-time employment and not accepting any help with anything.

So I have been working almost all my life on being control-free - laid-back - going with the flow.

Yesterday, it all came crashing down on me - there are some things that I cannot let go.

1. I cannot deal with poorly designed forms.

It's just like an painting historian looking at the original Mona Lisa with a crudely-drawn mustache scribbled on with a Magic Marker.

When the space bar is used instead of the hard tabs so it doesn't line up correctly when printed, it literally hurts my eyes.

When the font looks like my old manual Royal typewriter, I begin to grind my teeth.

Form creation is a serious art form to me, so this is sacrilege.


and 2. When someone is in a dangerous position around horses.

People can drive without their seat-belts, drink themselves into a stupor and wander out on the interstate, and walk with sharps knifes pointed right at their chest, and eh, it's their lire, it is their choice. Gets the stupid genes out of the pool.

BUT when an inexperience rider has her foot almost completely through the stirrup - when someone wanders just within reach of a horse's kicking range without even attempting to make the horse aware of their presence - when a rider is leading forward over the horse's neck going downhill....

I want to SCREAM.

Not because anyone might get hurt.

Just because it's STUPID and they should KNOW better.

Deep breath.

Yellow Pages.

Now... Twelve Step Programs for Control-Freaks....

"AND THE AWARD GOES TO..."

My artistic expertise was called upon today.

My husband has moved into his new office, and wanted some help this afternoon hanging his numerous certificates, awards, recognition plaques in some reasoning of order and balance on the walls.

(This is just one other place where the male DNA dropped a link or two, along with color coordination, cleaning and ability to hold an intimate conversation with another human being that does not involve sports)

I admit to having an extremely critical eye when it comes to forms. One of my personal fetishes (NOTE: the definition #2 of fetish is an object, idea, or activity that somebody is irrationally obsessed with or attached to; the sexual one is #3, according to Encarta - so there, you pervert) is designing documents.

I go into a doctor's office for the first time, take one look at the "New Patient" questionnaire, ask for another copy (getting some strange looks from the front desk personnel).

Then I go home, I re-design it to be 1) easier to read and complete, 2) professional looking instead of something created by a word processor in 1973, and 3) logical and orderly.

And then I take one of original forms, put it in a sheet protector, and give it to the office staff. No charge.

Yes, I know, it's silly. I should begin a support help group.

So when confronted with governmental, horribly and poorly designed certificates and awards, stuck into cheap wooden frames, with names typed askew in a different font...

Well, I'm just grateful I had not had lunch.

But to take care of this problem, I am going to research whether President Obama's stimulus money can be used to create a position for me as National Certificate Designer, responsible for overseeing the design, creation, and maintenance of all awards, recognition, etc. by the new Department of Really Great Looking Government Certificates (DRGLFC).

Wanna ya think?