SKINNY JEANS

We as women are all familiar with "fat days."

Times when our regular jeans are suddenly uncomfortably tight - the t-shirt is just a little bit more snug - even our toes need to be jammed into our shoes.

Especially as women with menstrual cycles, this becomes a disquieting and monthly occurrence for the majority of our lives.

Today I unexpectedly had a "skinny" day.

Now, my uterus left me about six years ago, so I can't blame it either way. 

I hadn't changed anything I ate or drank today.

I certainly haven't been losing weight, although my goal of being my college-weight has remained firmly attached to my bathroom cabinet for years... as well as the feeling of frustration and failure as I continue to lug around the extra 45 lbs. right around my middle.

But today as I got ready for church, I actually felt like my clothes were loose.

As I walked across the parking lot to enter our chapel, I felt light on my feet.

When I settled down in my regular pew, there wasn't the regular feeling of sheer extra mass oozing around me.

And as I put on my regular everyday go-feed-the-horses-and-prepare-to-be-covered-with-hay-hair-and-humidity jeans, they felt unrestricted and almost slack.

Okay, people, how can I put this into a bottle and market it?

SABOTAGE

Self-defeating behaviors sometimes need to be pointed out to us.

But we often find ourselves taking actions that we intellectually know are not going to improve our quality of life - for example, reaching for that cigarette twenty minutes after we "quit" for good - procrastinating on preparing the presentation that will precipitate your promotion (hey, pretty good for amount of p's, yeah?) - or instead of driving to the gym, stopping at the mall and spending half of your paycheck on DVDs which you KNOW you will watch late at night while eating out of a huge bowl of heavily-buttered popcorn.

I am finding myself currently in a cycle of  "a persistent pattern of behavior detrimental to the self, including being drawn to problematic situations or relationships and failing to accomplish tasks crucial to life objectives." (see this site)

And so, of course, am drawn to Google for self-diagnosis and free counsel.

I liked some of the suggestions from this site - to help you become aware of self-defeating acts. And in color are my responses:

Physical awareness. Where do you feel the tension? Pinpoint it -- a knot in your stomach... tight shoulders, etc. -- and give the sensation a name. Yeah, my stomach - like I WANT ICE CREAM.

Emotional awareness. Attach an emotion to the physical sensation. Example: "I feel angry... bored... afraid, etc."  Duh... it's called HUNGER and emotionally also wanting COMFORT FOOD.

Impulse awareness. Complete the sentence, "This feeling makes me want to..." Fill in the blank with your immediate emotional reaction. STUFF MY FACE?

Consequence awareness. Answer the question, "If I respond this way, what's likely to happen?" Think through all the possible consequences. Okay, this is where I am supposed to act like an adult and act mature? Yeah, if I eat an entire Ben and Jerry's Double Chocolate Brownie Fudge while watching the Jay Leno show, I will consume an entire's day worth of calories and two week's worth of fat intake in aprx. 14 minutes.

Solution awareness. Complete the sentence, "A better thing to do would be..."  Sure, like at 11:20 p.m. when I am in my pajamas, I have a whole  lot of options such as "go to the gym and work-out" or living three miles from the Mexican border to be able to "walk the dogs for 40 minutes" or "saddle Najale and do ground work with him" - NOT.

Benefit awareness. Finish the sentence, "If I try that strategy, the benefits will be..." List as many as possible.  Sure, I can list benefits - losing weight, discovering my waist again, and being able to leave all the Just-My-Size, Women Within, and Silhouette fat-women-clothing-disguised-as-figure-flattering catalogs aside.

Yeah, forget it - just next time my husband insists on bringing ice cream home, I'm just gonna throw it immediately into the trash.

Hey, now that's not self-defeating.......... is it?

SHE'S GOT THE LOOK

My daughter Joy has had significant difficulties throughout her life. She was born with one crossed (or lazy) eye, which we were unable to correct by glasses until she was 18 months old, which contributed to her slow physical development (why would you want to crawl if you couldn't see anything in front of you?). She started special-education when she was 2 and a half and continued throughout high school with both educational and physical development challenges.

And since high school, she has gained weight, then broke her ankle, was diagnosed with just a sprain, which just complicated the break, and has had surgery on both her foot, ankle and knees. With such weak joints, she isn't able to walk much, which leads to more weight gain. Right now she has to use a cane on days that she works and is on her feet 6-8 hours straight.

And it doesn't help that the only jobs she can keep have been (you guessed it) fast food joints. Free grease-burgers, sodas and shakes. Not a healthy diet.

While on an intellectual level I can appreciate that people look at Joy as 'different,' today I was able to experience it on a completely personal level. I took Joy to her 'favorite' restaurant - Denny's - for lunch.

And I saw what Joy sees probably every day of her life - a couple of girls, probably early 20;'s, sorta chunky themselves (no one would mistake them for glamor models or anything) looking at Joy with a smirk of almost disgust, and whispering to each other.

I reacted much as a bear does when someone threatens one of her cubs - I wanted to race across to these two girls and slam their heads together and toss them out the door.

However, I didn't.

And it made me reflect, rather miserably, on the times that I may have been that smirking, condescending person looking at someone who is not that pretty/clean/straight/whatever.

Sometimes instead of a magnifying glass, we really need a mirror.