SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET PLEASE

Sometimes I get feeling a little bit sorry for myself.

No, let's get honest here.

At times I throw myself into a heaving and throbbing purple ocean of vicious emotions. I frantically churn up ancient unresolved problems as I sweep in the turbulent burdens of real and imagined slights, cuts and bruises.

And by vigorously applying the salt-pack irritate of disquieting judgment, the vindictive verdicts and hypercritical odium oozes out between my own pores, causing myself, and only myself, to feel the incredible throbbing of self-pity.

Don't you just love the English language? It could be better in Norwegian or Chippiwaiian - and I KNOW it could be written better in English by any semi-bright third grader.

But I just adore the feeling as the words wash over my fingers, trip over themselves, try to straighten out as they stumble to ferret out the correct keys - frantically try to correct the copious blunders, misspellings (wait, does misspelling have two s's or only one?) to actually attempt to make SENSE Of this madness that pours out from my weary but wired brain at 11:32 p.m.

(Any sad statements on the quality of my life need to be put on hold for some other time - sorry)

HOWEVER (boy, is she finally going to get on to something that makes SENSE here?), Neal Maxwell, the absolute artist at compelling words to do double - nay, triple duty, puts it much better than I can:

"We are most likely to imbibe that nectar, by the way, when we feel underwhelmed or unappreciated. It is then that we may frequent the saloon of self-pity."

To me, he blends the line so deftly between homey witticisms such as: "In times of darkness, remember there is a difference between passing local cloud cover and general darkness" - and elegant idioms - "As you and I observe the valiant cope successfully with severe and relentless trials, we applaud and celebrate their emerging strength and goodness. Yet the rest of us tremble at the tuition required for the shaping of such sterling character, while hoping we would not falter should similar circumstances come to us" and does all of this in one single talk.

Last night my son was asked to speak in church to take the place of a cancelled youth speaker. I, being the dutiful and responsible mom (and not granting him Internet access at this time and place), as well as being blessed with an actual BROADBAND INTERNET connection (oh blessed wireless connection, you are beyond words!), have downloaded documents and talks and lessons far beyond reason or any practical application in a ten minute talk.

And they have bolstered me through my dunking into that saloon of self-pity and brought me dripping out, feeling more than slightly ashamed of my selfish stint.

I need to share just one more Maxwell quote -

"Though our view of eternity is reasonably clear, it is often our view of the next mile which may be obscured...

You have cast your minds forward and are fixed on the things of eternity, and all of that is proper and good, but there is sometimes fog in the next hundred yards.

You can make it through, but don’t be surprised when it is the short-term obscurity through which you must pass as a result of your faith in the long-term things."

I needed to read those words tonight.

A KODAK MOMENT

My husband is moving into a different office.

Same job, same building, same everything - just somebody higher up the food chain wanted his office , which is located next to the barber shop and across the hall from the cafeteria.

Personally, I believe someone with the odd combination of trichotillomania (hair compulsive behavior) and binge eating wants it for pure an simple convenience.

Anyway, I went over today for the first time in literally YEARS.

It's a half-hour drive (which, granted, my husband does twice every workday) on a military post. Which means I have to show my military identification three times, sign into the building, and then must be escorted.

And this is just to get to my husband's OLD office. Getting to his new office takes two ADDITIONAL security procedures to get into.

Which is why I don't go up there very often.

His new office has a door (a huge difference when the grand majority of employees are in huge low-ceilinged - if that isn't a word it should be - cubicle farms), and more impressive furniture (something with a credenza) and TWO big tables each with a glass covering

Although I've never understood the glass cover bit. The only reason I can see for that is a place to stick memos that you are supposed to refer to regularly. Or pictures your kids have drawn.

But I ohhed and ahhed the appropriate amount of time, met probably fifteen people whose names I am never going to remember, and allowed my sweet husband to escort me outside (since he had to walk me through the checkpoints AND sign me back out, it was almost on his way).

And as we were were walking across the ten acre parking lot, I happened to look up and saw some hawks. Well, admittedly, they have been large crows, but they weren't ACTING like crows, they were acting like hawks - and why am I making such a big deal about this?

Testing my husband's (admittedly) limited patience, I stood there and watched the two birds perform an intricate dance of flight for a good five minutes, using the brisk cool wind and their obviously familiarity for air travel to move in a perfect duet, gracefully, elegantly, and precisely mimicking each other's actions.

They never landed, never moved more than 20 to 30 feet in either direction the entire time I watched them.

One of those times I wished I had a video camera - or understood how to use my cell phone as one - it was beautiful.