ROCKY XIV

I don't like shopping at WalMart, but it's the cheapest place in town for groceries, so I go.

Our WalMart is fairly new and large, so the feeling of grayness must come from some atmospheric condition or the lighting - it just doesn't look clean or fresh or sharp, like Target does.

There always seems to be about six screaming toddlers in carts - two of them with the parents' yelling being louder than the kids.

There are way too many young grandmothers pushing around the babies while the teenage moms pick out food items.

There are adorable senior citizens walking along hand-in-hand, comparing prices to fit in with their Social Security income.

And a whole bunch of them are middle-aged shoppers racing in to get the items necessary to get dinner made in twenty minutes.

So where did I fit in with this crowd, at least today?

Today, I was the older woman with tissues stuffed up her nose, with enough blood stains to rival the Rocky movies.

I got a bloody nose on the drive into town, and simply could not shake it - not with tissues, not with pinching the bridge of my nose.... it would stop for a few minutes, then begin right up again.

From the original Rocky movie:

Mickey: Your nose is broken.

Rocky: How does it look?

Mickey: Ah, it's an improvement 

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE INSANITY

Every year we all do it. We swear we are going to do our Christmas shopping throughout the year, take advantage of sale prices, get it wrapped up nice and pretty and hidden away - and then (in theory) Christmas eve we can sit by the fire, drinking our eggnog (which is the most disgusting stuff in the universe - does anyone honestly like eggnog... I mean, without any alcohol?) and then at our leisure put the presents out of hiding and under the tree.

HA!

Nope, we all wait until the last minute, hit the engorged malls and department stores, join the irritable mob and stand impatiently in the check-out line to pay inflated prices to minimum wage clerks who are as bad a mood as you are.

And then, since you forgot to get wrapping paper, you end up stopping at the local five and dime (anyone out there remember when they were called five and dime stores? now there must be debit and visa stores) and paying an embarrassingly exaggerated sum for a roll of colorful gift wrap which you do not discover is half the amount of what you assumed until you get all the way home.

Where you realize you are completely out of tape, and end up being extremely inventive with masking tape and chewed gum.

But don't feel bad - it's the American way.